WTF

Well I have moved out. Hanging at a friends place until I can get my own place. Not sure what to do with mortgage and all that practical stuff. I’ll just have to keep on paying. Boy I am paying.

It was all very adult. My wife understood the need for a separation. I wasn’t really there and she is trying figure out what she wants too.

The other I believe is over. I haven’t talked to her and she hasn’t tried to talk to me. There were few red flags around that relationship, so I don’t feel too bad about it, but I really feel for her hard and it’s tough

You guys are going to kill me……So I was feeling a bit down and went out to friends on Sat. than out to a bar to drown my sorrows a bit. There was this girl there playing guitar and singing songs. She was looking at me all night. She came over and talked to me during her break and she wanted me to hang until she finished. Ended up at her place that night, but nothing happened but a bit of kissing. Kinda felt good no strings or emotions and got my mind of things. She’s a cool chick. Don’t know what this all means except to prove how messed-up I am and that I really don’t know what the hell I am doing!

All in all I feel good that I have done the right thing all-round and don’t have that weight on my chest anymore. I can breathe a bit. Now if I could just stop day dreaming about the other. I even changed the stations on my radio to listen to love songs. Scary!!!!!!!! What’s up with that?

Don’t do it….

I am still hung up on Shona, I just can’t stop thinking about being with her, damn it was so sweet. I am bored at work today so my mind is wondering and I was thinking about stopping by and seeing her. It would make me feel so good. But I can’t I know I would right back into the situation and she doesn’t want that. She is smart she doesn’t want to be involved with a married man, but we both can’t help ourselves when we see each other.  I just can’t do it. Can I?

I need some cheering up today. My marital situation is reallyt stressing me out. How do you end something this this? Thank god there are no kids involved, just dogs and a mortgage. I am really realizing that maybe I have been short changing myself. I can can count on one hand the number of times she has said she loves me for the last 6 years, and I am also realizing the physical affection from her part has never really been there. Why didn’t I notice that before. Once I stopped I noticed it wasn’t coming from her.

So the moral is, I am not ending my marriage to be with someone else. I am smart enough to know that. It’s just so hard to do. I think I know what I want to do now and it doesn’t involve being with someone, so that’s a good thing. Just getting there.

I guess I am just having a bad day. I only seem to blog when I am having a bad day because I gotta get it out.

How’d I get myself into this mess? Crazy Shit. 

Final Installment

I finally had to take control of the situation and I did. I told the other girl taht I couldn’t do this anymore. She was hurt and got a bit angry in defence, I wasn’t ready for that. The only way I could continue to see her is if I was no longer in this situation. Separated or single. It’s not to her and much as it hurts me.

So I had to cut her loose until I get myself staightened out. I know this means I will probably lose her, she will move on. It’s killing me, I miss her so much. When ever we are together we just melt into each other.

The fact that I was married was really hard for her and I realized that I was the only one really keeping things going by initiating everything. She understandablly wasn’t opening up and telling me how she felt, she was holding back. This caused me too much pain. I couldn’t continue like this, I needed more communication, but I understand why she couldn’t.

So, I will not contact her or go see her anymore. …..As for my marriage, sleeping on the couch for the past month is not working nor is the fact that my wife just isn’t giving me the physical or emotional affection that I need and I realize she never really has. At this point I don’t want it, but it made me realize maybe how SHE felt all along.

Now I just have to get over the heartache and deal with my marital situation. Sounds like fun huh?

Oh well, back to the drawing board. sigh!! 

I am not going to blog about this anymore. I am just going to work on getting over the other girl for now. I have to be strong enough to not see her or talk to her as much as I want to.  I know eventually it will pass. I wish she didn’t send me pictures of us together. That sucks. I can stop myself from looking at them. I guess I like punishment.

Decision made easy…

I am pretty disappointed this morning. Pretty mad and a bit hurt. No response to my email, not even a hello I ‘m back, how you doing.

So the decision made been made for me and it’s no surprise. I know the situation was too much for her and I and knew she wanted out of it. She made the smart decision. I was to emotionally involved and didn’t want to cut the ties.

Tonight I will go see her a tell her goodbye. No talking. No kissing. I just going to say I won’t be able to come see her anymore for awhile until I can get over her. Seeing her won’t be easy.

I know just have to deal the initial haertache and work on getting over her. Not going to see her will make it easier.

On a side note, women’s intuiton is a scary thing. My told me last night she had a bad dream that I was in love with someone else, but didn’t want to tell her. I guess my feeling and actions were telling, although I was trying hard for them not to be.

It almost seems like a cruel joke by someone. “Let’s take 2 people who have no chance of being together and make them fall in love with other and see what happens” Not very funny.

I appreciate everyone’s comment on this. It really did mean a lot to me. I’ll stop being such a wuss now and start blogging on another topic. Just another scar on my beat-up heart. Time to move on…….thanks. 

I appreciate everyone’s comments on this subject. It really meant a lot to me. I’ll stop being such a wuss  

Impatient….

Sitting around stewing in my own juices is driving me crazy and I am expending to much energy.  I simply can’t wait to get things off my chest. 

So I composed and email to the “other” I expressed pretty much everything that was going through my head. And I sent it. Now I will have to just wait for the response.

I need to know what her thoughts and feelings are, this is not a casual play anymore, for me anyway.

Feel alot better now and can focus on other things. 

Bite the Bullet…Grin and bear it!

I have come to a decision. sigh!

I have to end it will the other girl. It’s just way to complicated. I can’t handle it, my head hurts.

So now what I feared most will happen. I am in love and have to say good by to that. I have to go back and mope around in my current relationship and face a life mediocraty and knowing she is out there and will be with someone else.

I have to tell the other sometime soon. This will not be good.

Is there something you can take to make the pain in my chest and knot in my gut go away? And being able to stop thinking of her would be nice too. I can’t breathe when I think of her. 

not looking for sympathy…just an ear

I find myself in the most undesirable situation. Because of it’s nature I can turn to any of my friends for advice or just to get things off my chest.

Here it goes….. it’s gets a bit complicated.

I was married in 2005 to a great girl. Smart, funny, together, loves me. Unfortunately without even looking I fell in love with someone else. It’s not just lust.  It’s heads-over-heels, lightening strike, where have you been all my life type of thing for both of us.

Everyday is so painful for me. Of course there is the guilt of what I am doing to my wife. The other girl is also married, but separated and has just started a new relationship, so she is lying also.

I don’t know what in the hell to do! The girl I am seeing is not to happy about our situation and says it should end, it’s obviously a bad thing we are doing, but it seem neither of us can walk-away.

I can’t image hurting my wife and I can’t image letting the potential love of my life go?

Right now I am going through of phase of not talking or meeting the other girl and it’s killing me. It’s only been 3 days.